I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
