he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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