I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
