so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
