JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
