What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
