so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
