i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
