Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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