I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
