Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I love having hate sex.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
