i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
