it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
