So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
