I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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