I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
