I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
