Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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