Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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