i love accidental penises.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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