I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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