I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
