Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
