I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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