I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
