everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
