I met the friendliest cop last night
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
