I have demons in me.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm like, not good at living.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
