last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
