sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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