Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
