i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
