apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
