so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
