What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
