So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
