I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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