to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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