Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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