So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
