she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
