My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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