Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My vagina just recognized that song.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
