Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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