Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think I just shit out all my problems.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
