I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
