It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
