I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
