it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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