I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
