I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
