I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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